A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”
To which she replied,”There certainly is!”
(are you ready? see below!!!!)
My stupid computer keeps saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL!”
humor
19 de outubro de 2009
you’ve got mail!
é isso, por fernando stickel [ 9:07 ]
16 de outubro de 2009
esposa sequestrada
O João recebe telefonema do sequestrador dizendo que se o mesmo não pagar R$50mil, vai matar sua esposa.
Após várias negociações o João diz:
“O dinheiro eu não tenho, mas o negócio me interessa…”
é isso, por fernando stickel [ 16:22 ]
16 de outubro de 2009
na corte de justiça
Estudantes de direito, prestem atenção:
Called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ…
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?!
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it termin ated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them… The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No…
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing! Law…
é isso, por fernando stickel [ 15:23 ]
13 de outubro de 2009
banqueiros…
Certa tarde, um famoso banqueiro ia para casa em sua “limusine” quando viu dois homens à beira da estrada, comendo grama. Ordenou ao seu motorista que parasse e, saindo do carro, perguntou a um deles:
– Porque vocês estão comendo grama?
– Não temos dinheiro para comida. – disse o pobre homem – Por isso temos que comer grama.
– Bem, então venham à minha casa e eu lhes darei de comer – disse o banqueiro.
– Obrigado, mas tenho mulher e dois filhos comigo. Estão ali, debaixo daquela árvore.
– Que venham também – disse novamente o banqueiro. E, voltando-se para o outro homem, disse-lhe:
– Você também pode vir.
O homem, com uma voz muito sumida disse:
– Mas, senhor, eu também tenho esposa e seis filhos comigo!
– Pois que venham também. – respondeu o banqueiro.
E entraram todos no enorme e luxuoso carro.
Uma vez a caminho, um dos homens olhou timidamente o banqueiro e disse:
– O senhor é muito bom. Obrigado por nos levar a todos!
O banqueiro respondeu:
– Meu caro, não tenha vergonha, fico muito feliz por fazê-lo! Vocês vão ficar encantados com a minha casa… A grama está com mais de 20 centímetros de altura!
Moral da história:
Quando você achar que um banqueiro (ou banco) está lhe ajudando, não se iluda, pense mais um pouco…
é isso, por fernando stickel [ 10:58 ]
1 de outubro de 2009
enquanto isso…
Sponholz
Enquanto isso, em Tegucigalpa…
é isso, por fernando stickel [ 15:41 ]
1 de outubro de 2009
grandma still drives
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a “Honk if you love Jesus” bumper sticker.I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn’t notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, ‘For the love of God!’ ‘Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!’
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!!
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma
é isso, por fernando stickel [ 12:21 ]
1 de outubro de 2009
infames!!!!
PIADINHAS INFAMES!!!!!
O que é um cigarro de maconha feito com papel de jornal?
Baseado em fatos reais.
Qual é o fim da picada?
Quando o mosquito vai embora.
O que são dois pontos pretos no microscópio?
Uma blacktéria e um pretozoário.
Qual é a comida que liga e desliga?
O Strog-ON-OFF.
Como se faz para ganhar um Chokito?
É só colocar o dedito na tomadita.
Qual o vinho que não tem álcool?
O_vinho de Codorna.
O que é que a banana suicida falou?
Macacos me mordam.
Qual é o doce preferido do átomo?
Pé-de-moléculas.
O que é uma molécula?
É uma meninola muito sapécula.
Como o elétron atende ao telefone?
Próton!!
O que um cromossomo disse para o outro?
Oh! Cromossomos felizes!
Como as enzimas se reproduzem?
Fica uma enzima da outra.
O que é um ponto marrom no pulmão?
Uma brownquite.
O que é um pontinho vermelho no meio da porta?
Um olho mágico com conjuntivite.
O que o canibal vegetariano come?
A planta do pé, a batata da perna e a maçã do rosto.
Por que a vaca foi para o espaço?
Para se encontrar com o vácuo.
Por que as estrelas não fazem miau?
Por que Astro-no-mia.
é isso, por fernando stickel [ 11:08 ]
25 de setembro de 2009
jewish sins
An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.
Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?
Man: What sins?
Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?
Man: I’m Jewish.
Priest: Why are you telling me all this?
Man: I’m telling everybody.
é isso, por fernando stickel [ 8:39 ]
23 de setembro de 2009
dios mío!
Un argentino se encontraba haciendo el amor con su novia cuando ella dice:
– ¡Ay, Dios mío!
El responde:
– Bueno… en la intimidad me podes llamar Oscar.
é isso, por fernando stickel [ 9:20 ]
22 de setembro de 2009
clitaurus
Renault & Ford are working on new small car for women.
It is based on the platforms of the Clio & Taurus.
It will be called the “CLITAURUS”
It comes only in pink, the upholstery is with or without fur, and the average male thief won’t be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is!
