A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone.
A few days later, he received, by telegram, this report:

MOST HONORABLE SIR:
YOU LEAVE HOUSE
I WATCH HOUSE
HE COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH.
HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE. I FOLLOW.
HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE.
I LOOK IN WINDOW.
HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE.
HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE.
HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE.
I PLAY WITH ME. I FALL OUT OF TREE. I NOT SEE.
NO FEE,
CHEN LEE.

Top Ten Times in history when saying ” F _ _ K ” was appropriate:

10) “What the f _ _ k was that?” – Mayor of Hiroshima

9) “Where did all these f _ _ king Indians come from?” – Custer

8) “Any f _ _ king idiot could understand that! ” – Einstein

7) “It does SO f _ _ king look like her!” – Picasso

6) “How the f _ _ k did you work that out?” – Pythagoras

5) “You want WHAT on the f _ _ king ceiling?” – Michaelangelo

4) “I don’t suppose it’s gonna f _ _ king rain ?” – Joan of Arc

3) “Scattered f _ _ king showers… my ass!” – Noah

2) “I need this parade like I need a f _ _ king hole in my head!” – J.F.Kennedy

And the number one most appropriate use of the “f” word….

1) “Who the f _ _ k is going to know?” – Bill Clinton

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says.
“We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
“Okay,” he says, “They’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares …
Now what do we tell them for Christmas?