An Israeli recently arrives at London ‘s Heathrow airport. As he fills out a form, the customs officer ask him:
“Occupation?”  
The Israeli promptly replies:
“No, just visiting!”

Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home.
Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation Harold turns to Mildred and asks:
-“Do you know what I miss most of all?”
-“What?”
-“SEX!” he replies.
Mildred exclaims, “Why you old fart, you couldn’t get it up if I held a gun to your head!”
“I know,” Harold says, “but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.”
“Well, I can oblige,” says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold It.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold’s manhood.
Then, one night, Harold didn’t show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was OK. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold’s manhood.
Furious, Mildred yelled, “You two-timing creep! What Does Ethel have that I don’t have?”
Old Harold smiled happily and replied:
“Parkinson’s.”

A guy is driving around Dublin when he sees a sign in front of a house:

Talking Dog For Sale

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard and just to go through. The guy walks into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.
-“Are you the talking dog?” he asks.
-“Yes,” the Lab replies.
-“So, what’s the story?”
The Lab looks up and says:
-“Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
-“Ten euros,” the man says.
-“Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why are you selling him so cheap?”
-“Because he’s a lying bastard – he never did any of that shit!”

On the corner of 7th Av. and 54 St, right now. (Or so they say…)